welcome back.

Stress.

How can I?  Then what? What if I…

So many questions and very little answers to the problems. I have never woken up and want to cry. Ever. But yesterday I had to fight back the tears. My mind was a chattering monkey of insane escapist thoughts.

I’m not insane, just feeling a little lost.

dubya.

The W’s.

What?

I don’t know. I’m doing something with my life and I like it. Not everything is in place just yet but I’m getting there.

Where?

I don’t know. Here, I’m here. Right now this is where I am. I like it.

Who?

Someone, someone is here. Around, in my head. Comes and goes, in and out.

I want out.

all comes down

I’m still around.

I kind of have a job now. Woo.

a billion bees

Still no job. Not for the lack of trying though. I had an interview yesterday. It went well but I didn’t get the job. My mom thinks it’s because I have to tell them I’m going back to school in the fall. However, it’s summer job season. I can’t help that I want to educate myself as well as make some money.

I’m taking a walk back into modeling. I said I had stopped, but somehow I got dragged back in. I have a few shoots lined up and I’m looking forward to it. More paid shoots the better though. I have a few alternative ideas for money making and modeling combined. But I’m not ready to disclose those to the world (ahem, internets).

Anyway, I guess that’s it for now.

what am i doing.

I don’t know what I’m doing. I did one day of training and then thought, no I won’t go back. No I won’t do days of paid training with nice people and friendly faces. No, that’s not a good idea. See, I don’t know why I thought that was the best choice to make. So now I don’t have a job, no money still. Great plan Steph. So now I’m trying to get a job somewhere else and hopefully that’ll go better. It’s closer to home and easier for me to get to on my own. That would make a difference too. Not mention the mall doesn’t open at 6am for service.

There’s a bunch of things on my mind but I just want them to go away. Hurry up and wait. I don’t know what else to say other than… I just don’t know right now.

idk my bff george brown?

Guess who got into school… that’s right, me! I managed to pass the dreadful math test. I’m so stoked! I also got a job; I’m on a roll.

YAY!

Don’t cry over…

It’s not a good sign when you’re faced with a math problem and your first response is to cry, is it?

Didn’t think so.

E-rith-mah-tic?

I have a [math] learning disability.

I know this. I’ve always known this. When the option came to not do grade 12 math I took it. Now it’s biting me in the bum and I have one chance to make or break my future. I can feel the knots being tied in my shoulders my head is empty and I’m staring off into space. I’m stressing out and I’ve known this information since this evening. I have to take a test to get into my course for baking. Give me a recipe, give me the measuring equipment, I’ll bake you a cake but don’t ask me to sit down with a pencil and tell you what those measurements mean.

Imma…

Bake some cookies.

brb.

Tomorrow.

Anyway, after a week in Toronto with my lovely loverface I’m back. I think he had a good birthday and thats all that matters anyway. I had a good time too of course. But now I’m back and tomorrow along with those cookies I plan to make I’m also going to write those damn resumes. I need that job… you know the one where they pay you for showing up and “working”, one of those.

Party time!

Alright so after my last post I’ve applied to the program, insuring it won’t close before I had a chance. I still feel like a total knob for doing that. Crap! I meant to call my old high school to get a transcript today. Dammit. I guess I’ll call next week and hopefully my mom can pick it up or pay the $10 for me. Other than that stuff I don’t have too much to say on the school/job front. However my mom and I checked out the new bakery around the corner from our house and it turns out it’s a well known name in Scarborough. Hopefully I can get a job in there! Only thing is they don’t make their pastries and things on location. Either way it would look good on a resume… which I must do by March 1st, that’s my deadline.

Next week is the SO’s (significant other, duh) birthday! YAY! This weekend we’re going out to celebrate. I’m hoping he gets a good turn out from all of his friends, he deserves it. So that shall be fun! I baked cupcakes today for our little shindig, I just stole one. They’re good but not what I wanted. The frosting isn’t as good as I wanted it to be. No biggie though, it’s food for drunk people really. I can’t wait to be making fantastic baked-goods and everyone will want my stuff. Not like they don’t already *wink*. Haha what a joke. Alrighty that’s all for now I suppose.